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teenuhweenuh
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Name: KRiSTiNA
Location: your dreams, United States
Birthday: 11/14/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: causin a rukkus!, praisin His name, YFC, singin, dancin, writing, and putting smiles to other peoples faces!, listening, observing, and bein the innocent person that i am! =]
Expertise: smilin and laughin
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
3/5/2003
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| So there is just a whole bunch more drama that happened with him. Just so many things that happened that I don't even want to write it down here. But because everything has happened, I feel like I've just been asking myself a whole bunch of questions- questions I probably won't ever know the answer to.
It's been so crazy with the things that I found out. I kind of feel like I've gotten a divorce haha. I mean, I know we weren't married, but that was the for real plan and I was part of the family and it was set in stone and then- it wasn't. And then the whole "Todd and Kristina" world turned upside down into a world that didn't include those names together. It's a crazy feeling. Obviously I have those moments where I feel like the typical "ex" but other times I just push those feelings away. I can't really handle it all at the same time. And as corny as it sounds, so far, since our initial break up I've read two books on "Christianity" and "relationships" and I must say the first one made me feel amazing and I was so inspired. And I'm working on the second one, and it is inspiring me to take advantage of my "season of singleness" as they call it. It is true- I am doing things that I didn't do while I was with Todd. I am singing again, acting again, even dancing again- I'm performing again. And it's so amazing. I have a lot of opportunities to do things that I would have hesitated about if I was still with him. So that way it is a blessing, but I don't really know.
This blog doesn't really make sense because I'm just writing down my thoughts. But anyways. I decided to lift everything up to God and to let him handle and take care of the messy crazy situation. I pray about it all the time and I pray that He allows me to grow and learn from this. You know, big girl prayers. I'm trying REALLY hard to be the bigger person and to not freak out because at the same time, I don't technically matter.
I DON'T KNOW. hahahaha. It's all too crazy/weird/messy/sticky/confusing/unbelievable.
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| Okay, so The Vagina Monologues went really well I'm really happy with everyone: the cast and crew were amazing and it was such an honor to be part of it. When Marily did the speak out just before the curtain call and when the house lights were on and she asked everyone in the audience to break the silence and to have people stand up if they have ever been raped or abused and when a handfull of people stood up, I could see this one girl in the audience standing up and crying. It was CRAZY. I started getting all teary eyed and it felt so good to be part of something that is trying to end violence towards women. phew.
take a breather right here.
So now, school is back and spring break is over. I don't know why it's called a break when it really wasn't that for me. I had work, then rehearsals after rehearsal after rehearsal, then the show. So out of all the things that I posted about what I was getting stressed out about, WOV is done because of Easter, and now TVM is done (The Vagina Monologues). So I have PCN to work on, btw, SJSU'S GOSPEL CHOIR is having a concert this friday at the school and I would LOVE it if everyone/anyone can come!
School and work are going to be the things that I really need to focus on. I told myself that I really need to put my ass in the library everyday studying like no other because I only have a month to raise my grades up- foreal UP. And I know it is possible, I just need to stop being lazy and do my shit. Yadada?
I'm excited for the things to come together- I'm partly more excited to just get my shit taken care of and just becoming an adult. Ya know? Like I'm trying to start a little budget and trying to handle my binnesss. haha
So that's a TEENY update on what's going on. As far as emotional stuff, that shit is just all over the place. I'm just trying to focus on MY shit, get my stuff handled then I can worry about the confusing emotional ish later. I think that's the best plan for now haha. Especially since I don't want to add stress that I don't need. So there.
The ramblings of kristina guido in the morning haha.
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| I'm starting to feel overwhelmed with everything- school, work, TVM, PCN, WOV, easter. I think it's all finally catching up with me. I felt like superwoman for a while juggling all these things but lately all I wanted to do is chill and relax and just be in good company.. which I do have, but I don't know. I feel more exhausted and I thought to myself that I want someone new, or at least a new friend haha. I don't know. That's not the right answer. I'm just kind of confused.
I'm scared to actually say that I think I'm really done with the idea of me and Todd right now. I can't always initiate everything and despite the fact that I thought things would turn around, it didn't. And that's okay- that's just what it is. I don't know. I do sometimes (usually late at night when I'm used to being on the phone) I'll have the urge to call him just to say whatsup and to see how he is but then I remember that he should call me- not the other way around.
The situation is all fucked up and it's almost been two months so it's like, I should have moved on and been over with it and I guess I'm almost there- I just miss having someone I guess. I don't really know.
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| so I decided the other day that I was going to get down to business as far as school. I've already skipped hella classes and I seem to not take any class seriously except for chemistry which is good but I should really study for all my classes the way I do with chemistry. For example, I have a math exam tomorrow and I don't really know what its on, but I'm hoping to study tonight and just get shit done. I started to clean my room so all I need is a drawer for my clothes and to just do laundry so I'm kind of excited to see that be done. I came home and Courtney cleaned the living room and it looks so nice and I'm really excited for us to have a clean living environment after it being grimey dirty. :[
So there's talk about him coming home. And for me, it's kind of surreal. I guess part of me is so shocked with the amount of pride that he has that he is willing to come home and admit defeat? So we'll see where that goes- she thinks he's just going to show up without any warning or anything, which is cool because I don't really need to be planning on him being around. He'll probably end up living either with a friend in pleasanton anyway or just stay in walnut creek. He FOR SURE as hell is not staying with me. I have NO ROOM for distractions and drama that I don't need and want. And tomorrow I'm getting my phone so keep the number that you have right now.. the one that starts with 949.. but tomorrow I'll have my new number and it'll be cingular and i think it starts with 735? I'm not entirely sure haha.
But I'm excited to get my shit together you know? Like yesterday I was at church and I thought to myself "Damn, Kristina. It's about time to take control. And not ME being in control perse, but moreso let the Lord take control of your life." I need to let things just happen and that seems to be working.
Because this cute ass guy in my chem class was hella chattin it up with me today. HAHAHAHAHA. I thought that was significant because a couple of weeks ago I decided I was TIRED of doing the chasin. I needa be CHASED. so fellas listen up: YOU GOTTA CHASE. hahaha. girls like that. atleast i do.
yadadaboobooo?
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| I've been dishonest and confused. I showed that I had things under control and that I was okay and that everything is just happening. And although I half believe that, there are those unfortunate days where I don't believe those things. Those days are particularly hard on me. I've been going to church a lot lately and have been talking to God quite a bit. But for some reason, I still don't have peace within myself. Most days I do, but on those off days, I guess inside I'm a wreck. And I'm not afraid to admit that. So there.
I've been telling myself that I just need to let things happen and that things are going to be okay, and in a sense, I truly believe that, but then again, I really want things to be different. I wish we were at least friends. I wish we were still in each others lives. I think the part that kills me the most is that he won't have anything to do with me. I've left him emails, messages, phone calls, voice messages- don't get me wrong. I don't leave these things for him everyday, it's just occasionally, just to see how he's doing. Just to say Hi. To say, "yoohoo. I'm still here if you need me" to say "You're my best friend. Let me be here for you" to say "I will pray with you, cry with you, hurt with you, laugh with you" to say "You mean the world to me and I love you still". To try and reach out to him to not seem as a desperate person trying to beg him back- that's not the case. I just don't want him struggling thinking that he's alone. I'm here for him. I guess the thing I'm the most afraid of, is I don't want this to turn into a Ryan situation. Me and Ryan don't talk anymore. And to me, that's perfectly fine. And it has been perfectly fine for the past what? 4 years? But with Todd, I don't want him out of my life. I want us to be able to share things. Our connection was deeper than anything else in the world and I don't want us to lose sight of that.
Am I crazy for thinking that I'm doing the right thing? Is it totally "pathetic" for me to be trying to reach out and try to leave hand prints on his heart? I just wish he saw the sincerity in my intentions and I just wished he knew me like he does. I wish he knew that I too am going through a transition and am going through shit. But he doesn't see that, or so I assume. But I can't prove myself wrong because he's not talking to me. But some say that this is the best way for the break up. I don't know if I believe that, but I respect their opinion.
I guess I wish I knew what else to do even though I know that there isn't anything I can do except let it go. But I don't want to give up. But what other choice to I have right? We'll see...
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